The key to a fulfilling relationship
In writing an effective online dating profile, the average love-seeker is likely to fill it up with appealing qualities and interests that make them special.
They paraglide, do hot yoga, and are a Libra with Scorpio rising. There’s one thing they routinely leave out, however: what they want to know about their potential partner.
Yet, that detail might be the most important thing to include, according to research by Associate Professor Juliana Schroeder.
“People want to be known, so they’re looking for partners who will know them and support them,” she says. “But because other people also want to be known, they end up writing these not-super- appealing profiles when trying to attract partners.”
Schroeder and co-author Ayelet Fishbach of the University of Chicago Booth School of Business conducted a series of experiments gauging the impact of feeling known on relationship satisfaction. They found that the degree to which someone knew another person mattered less in how they felt about the relationship compared to the degree to which they felt they were known and thus supported—regardless of how they felt about the overall quality of the relationship.
The degree to which someone knew another person mattered less in how they felt about the relationship compared to the degree to which they felt they were known and thus supported.
Their research, published in the Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, argues that this phenomenon occurs not only with romantic couples but in all manner of interpersonal relationships, including friends, neighbors, family members, work colleagues, and casual acquaintances. The one exception was parent-child relationships.
This was also apparent when they looked at online dating profiles. The researchers asked several dozen participants to write their own profiles, either emphasizing being known or getting to know the other person. More than 250 other people rated these profiles according to how much they found them appealing and would potentially want to contact them. The raters preferred profile writers who emphasized wanting to know the other person.
These findings could be instructive for someone seeking maximum appeal on a dating site, says Schroeder, the Harold Furst Chair in Management Philosophy & Values.
“What they want to be doing is saying, ‘I really care about you, and I’m going to get to know you and be there for you and listen to you and be a great partner.’”